Tips

Each of us is different.

But I thought it might be helpful to other adoptive families to know how we are handling the wait.

There are two periods of waiting, one between being placed on the wait list and receiving a referral, and another between the referral and having the adoption finalized in court.

We are in the midst of the second stage of waiting, but I will share how we survived the first leg of the wait!

Room preparation (I should note that we are first time parents, so some of this will not apply to folks who already have children): Gladney advises families not to get the child's room ready until receiving a referral, because to have a room waiting could possibly increase the family's sense of urgency. That is very, very good advice. For starters, you won't know for sure how old your child is until you get the call, and that presents some logistical challenges to room preparation. But the more important factor is that it would have been even harder to wait, if we had a visible sign that a child was coming. We are scrambling to get ready for Baby A, no doubt, but the scramble helps to keep our minds off of the fact that we are now in the second leg of the wait. While time can't move fast enough, it is moving fast! We have a long to-do list, but being busy is far better than having everything set, and staring at the calendar.

Blog reading: I did not read other adoptive family's blogs until we received a referral. I do belong to the Ethiopia and Gladney yahoo groups, but I didn't pay too much attention to them until the referral. We did not place our name on the unofficial wait list until the end of our wait. I did not check the unofficial list more than about five times, because doing so only made me more anxious. My point is: the Internet can be a wonderful connection tool. But it can also make you crazy. It made me crazy. When I opened the yahoo group emails, I could feel my anxiety level rising. Many people benefit from having an online community of support and information, and now, I am at the stage where I crave those connections with other waiting families. But while waiting for a referral, I felt overwhelmed by the online conversations and information (information which is better termed "speculation" in many cases.)  Many of the conversations had to do with wait time, and delays, and whether the referral would come during the rainy season, when the courts shut down in Ethiopia and no adoptions can take place (this year, the courts were closed from August 7-September 28.) The endless possibilities overwhelmed me, so I stopped reading. Give yourself permission to shut the computer down, if the information is causing more worry than good! To the contrary, if having information does give you a sense of calm, then by all means, keep reading!


Talking about the adoption: If you were pregnant, it would be a conversation piece. People notice a pregnant woman, and they are likely to ask questions. It's no different with adoption. People will ask questions, and you will repeat the same information a zillion times. And it can be difficult, because your answer is really a long-winded version of "I don't know." With adoption, plans and time frames are always subject to change.  But isn't it great that people are excited for you, and they want to know how the adoption process is going? For us, the wait was made easier because we knew that so many people were praying for us, and hoping the call would come soon! My point is: it is very helpful to have a community of support during the wait. You'll need those words of affirmation and excitement to keep you going!

Keep Calm and Carry On: Fasten your seat belt when you begin the adoption process! Especially in the case of international adoption, the adoption process is subject to change at any given moment. When we started the process, Ethiopia was a one trip country. But in April, 2010, I had an email in my inbox informing us that the Ethiopian government had changed the process, and that all families would have to travel twice instead of once. The price just doubled, the amount of time off of work to travel to Ethiopia just doubled, but what can we do except go with the flow? Likewise, I have read recently that the CIS fingerprinting central office moved, and there are delays in the fingerprinting process. A family can't be on the wait list until their fingerprints clear. Keep calm and carry on! And trust that God's hand is in all of this. We had trouble with my fingerprints' clearing because I have small hands, and looking back, I know that God was trying to slow down the process because God had a baby in mind just for us. While at the time the delay was very frustrating, looking back, if we had moved more quickly, we wouldn't have Baby A. Now, I get it!!!

As I re-read this post, it occurs to me that much of what I have written applies not only to adoption, but to many, many other situations in life. Anytime that you are keenly aware that you are not in control, you feel vulnerable, and where there is vulnerability, there is the need to feel in control! Above all, do what works for you. I can only share a few tips that helped us navigate these waters!